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ƬƠƬƛԼԼƳ ƇƠƊЄƤЄƝƊЄƝƬ ƑԼƖƝƬ ([personal profile] katabasis) wrote2017-06-11 10:27 pm

[PSL] in this sense the open jaws of wild beasts will appear no less pleasing than their prototypes




The bread that is over-baked so that it cracks and bursts asunder hath not the form desired by the baker; yet none the less it hath a beauty of its own, and is most tempting to the palate. Figs bursting in their ripeness, olives near even unto decay, have yet in their broken ripeness a distinctive beauty.
aletheian: (𝓮𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝔂𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓮)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-19 07:55 pm (UTC)(link)
It could be.

Thomas doesn't know if he can anymore-- maybe, he thinks, though he doesn't know what would facilitate it. Time? Gentle application? Metaphorically tearing a bandage off? He wants to, in his head, unsure if anything else is capable of cooperating; something that he wanted to die off for fear of it betraying him in an awful moment. (He has not yet been captured by the thought of Would James even want me if he knew it all, but it lurks there, like a wreck beneath dark waters.) Surely if he could feel flushed and on the edge of something in a dirty room with a dying man beside them, then he could- they might- but what if? What if, what if--

The morning is too warm and safe, he is too sleep-muddled to overthink it. 'It', James may be talking about something entirely different, and he is not yet coherent enough to ponder on the details, luxuriating in the fact that he can allow himself this instead of the paranoid, immediate alertness of the past decade.

Thomas tips his head back, hair sticking up in all directions, and raises his eyebrows. He drawls, "Do you ever, Captain McGraw."

Look, he isn't awake yet.
aletheian: (𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓽𝔂𝓽𝓱𝓻𝓮𝓮)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-20 12:51 am (UTC)(link)
He can be whatever he wants to be. Captain, lieutenant, soldier, pirate. He is a hero and a poet, he is Odysseus, he is.. leaving the bed. Thomas makes a lazy sound of protest at this development, but doesn't hinder him. He rubs sleep out of his eyes, finally properly awake when James flops a stack of papers on him.

(Is it all right, to let moments change? Is it safe to trust that they will have more mornings like this?)

Thomas sits up against the headboard (still with his side touching the other man's, so incapable of leaving too much space between them), his expression-- curious, interested, a little timid. He has read pieces of newspaper articles, but Oglethorpe would frequently remove the front page, obscuring dates and further lending to the surreal mentality of that place. Seeing it now, the years. God. And then, a little warm ribbon of memory, and he leans over to press his forehead against James's temple. It feels like yesterday, that conversation, the start of this; it feels like a hundred years ago.

Amazing, skimming through headlines and passing fingertips over text of articles and announcements. He's humbled by the passage of time, the industry and passion of people, news about war and politics and births and deaths, the state of fashion, the state of the harvest. Taxes and weather. He picks the farthest away first, having been sequestered in one place for so long, holding it so that James can look as well. He doesn't know what to latch onto first. Maybe it doesn't matter.

After a while, "I met Peter Alexeyevich." His attention on the smallest blip of a report about the distant conflict between Russian and Ottoman Empires (or Sweden? the journalist cannot decide). It is singularly most irrelevant thing to their current predicament in probably all the papers combined-- and yet Thomas knows the emperor it's about. The word is strange. "Half a foot taller than I am and unnaturally brilliant. I wonder if he'll last."

Monarchs seem to turn over like coins in someone's pocket. Thomas is only half-certain he knows who exactly is on England's throne right now.
aletheian: (𝓯𝓲𝓿𝓮)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-20 02:51 am (UTC)(link)
Thomas huffs a quiet laugh about the height complaint; personally he agrees, but generally because he's of a height on his own that anyone towering over him is an alarming change for how rare it is. One hand shifts position to James's thigh, curled lightly over the curve of muscle, thumb describing small circles. Comfortable.

"He did attend my salons," is a little wryly teasing, for seeing that quick succession of pointed questions. And then-- the thought splinters, Thomas thinking of those days in closer detail than he's done in years, of the confidence in debate he had, of colorful rooms and experimental theories in philosophy, of all the things that he'd be unable to navigate now. That he'd try to hold and watch fall and shatter instead. His hand has stopped its small movement on James's leg.

Lost for a moment. But he returns.

"I suppose he was." Dark eyes, darker hair. Enthusiastic. But: "If you're asking if I've interfered with the Tsar of Russia, the answer is no."

You silly goose. (Good humor wrenched back to himself, out of the quiet distance of dissociation.)
aletheian: (𝓼𝓲𝔁𝓽𝔂𝓯𝓲𝓿𝓮)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-20 04:47 am (UTC)(link)
"Then perhaps I'll tell you I did, the next time it comes up."

When on earth would it come up.

There is an article about Boston's first granary, and another about fighting between Canadian French and a Presbyterian settlement in Massachusetts. It is so surreal to think he's lived in America for only five years (it feels long, it has not felt like living), when he's been removed from England for so much longer. Bethlem was nowhere. He is no longer English; surely the dead have no nationality, and if he had he'd renounce it anyway. Is he American? Is James Bahamian?

"I don't know if it's a better story," he begins, "but I did have an incredibly surreal four-day affair with Viscount Cornbury. The Honorable Edward Hyde," and the latter title is somewhat dry-- for the absurdity of it, or because James will probably recognize the name as the Royal Dragoon turned MP who participated in the 1688 power turnover. "Enormously keen on dressing like and being treated like a woman, though he had no interest in acting like one. We talked about the dissolving of Parliament and education reform the whole time. And then he was sent to protect the colonies, here, and was made Governor of New Jersey. I received two of the most utterly mad letters from him trying to decipher the things his predecessor had been up to and trying to avoid being hanged by the Lutherans. I can't imagine he's still installed."

But he could be, and that is a strange thought; the possibility of someone knowing him. I never did write back the last time, he thinks, but doesn't say aloud. It hadn't been a pressing matter.
aletheian: (𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓽𝔂𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓮)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-22 01:22 am (UTC)(link)
Does anything speak well of anybody he knew then? Everyone varying degrees of toxic pretending they collectively weren't as bad as the Cromwellian nightmare they'd woken from, but all equally complicit in Europe's imperialist destruction of the world. No single Englishman, aristocrat or peasant, can say they haven't benefited from slavery in the New World, he thinks; the Hamilton family certainly did, even if no one had ever seen it face to face. (Until now.) Pirates may be different, but he suspects only by degrees; the illness is simply too widespread.

It would be easy to feel sad and guilty about it, but Thomas is too aware of how unhelpful and superficial that would be. His thoughts turn to the Quakers who shuttled them from the wilderness to Abigail's house, who have among them members practiced at sending the enslaved to northern territories and even Europe. But they are abstract notions. He doesn't yet know what to make of a life that's--

A life.

"I will." Of New Providence and Spanish ships. He can guess why. Thomas tilts his head to touch James's briefly, just a little thing. There is a thread of emotion in him, an unbalanced thing that says lazing around and not getting up and immediately getting to work is wrong and dangerous, and he spends a while inspecting that.

"I don't know that this is either," he says after god knows how long. There's a small announcement, somewhat locally - from the secretary of the northernmost block of the territory, Tobias Knight, offering a monetary reward for any reliable recent news of the pirate Blackbeard.
aletheian: (𝓼𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂𝓼𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-22 04:59 am (UTC)(link)
Maybe it's an old paper, maybe just not the right one. Maybe in a hundred years every story about every single pirate will be written based on rumor, some forgotten entirely, some pure fabrication and never having lived at all. Thomas is not a pirate, and he'll be forgotten entirely. (He already has been.) History can't remember everyone.

What would it say? He tried.

Not worth keeping a record of.

Thomas doesn't offer any condolences because James doesn't sound like he needs any-- but doesn't sound like he's glad of it, either. Some things are just like that, he supposes. He moves his hand and lets his fingertips brush over the small movement he's making, along his thumb, to the back of his hand. Not stilling him, not restricting, simply being there with him. Does he want to know? Does he want to hear about how James lived without boundary, raged against civilization, screamed, fought, commanded, bled? Maybe it will be all right-- to know James did when he couldn't. To know James screamed enough for them both.

"Yes."

He doesn't clarify Only if you want to tell me or When you're ready. He trusts James to know that already.
aletheian: (𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓽𝔂𝓽𝔀𝓸)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-22 10:58 am (UTC)(link)
He distracts himself, at first. With the feel of James's touch against his skin, such a divine thing, that he never thought he'd feel again; he can remember days when all he wanted was to know what this felt like. Just this. James and his rolled sleeves and his loosened necktie and rough sailor's fingers plying through his books, wrapping around the crystal stems of his glasses. He distracts himself with the aching knowledge of what it became clear that had become an impossibility means - thinking about James holding his sanity together with a deluded thought of getting him out of Bethlem somehow. Thinking about what he and Miranda must have gone through being told he had-- not just died, but taken his own life.

Thomas sets the papers aside and puts his other hand over James's forearm. Linking them together. Edges of puzzle pieces completing the larger picture of both their lives.

Whatever happens in this story, he knows the ending. He can feel it like a knife slicing through his fingers, past desperate resistance to his heart, unstoppable because the wound was made when he first saw James again, standing there destroyed and crying. Thomas had been reborn. It was joyous, and crushing, and beautiful. And yet he knew even then: Thomas had tried and failed, suffered for it, and was sent away to the plantation. James had tried and failed, suffered for it, and was sent away to the plantation. Tied by their hands together now, by how much they've loved each other always, by this fate. You didn't have to, he wants to say. It was my fault, you didn't have to take it.

He doesn't say it. He knows James did have to.

"Had your Spanish improved?" is quiet. The humor does not fully swallow the other emotions in his voice, transparent to this man as ever.
aletheian: (𝓯𝓲𝓯𝓽𝓮𝓮𝓷)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-23 12:08 am (UTC)(link)
How convenient - how impossible, how dangerous. He remembers every instance of James telling him stories of his adventures sailing, aware on some level how sanitized they were (and much more aware now). It's easy to experience this in the same way, though he knows it's more than that. Vastly more. Parts confession and stitching themselves closer together.

"Never, my love." Thomas squeezes his hands.

(Don't ever hold your tongue to try and spare my feelings, he had said to him, months ago. That day before he outlined his failed escape. I need all of you.)

Thomas is not yet used to existing in a state where he does not have to do something (think something, comply with something). But here he is and-- James, too, is free from that; he doesn't have to stop, but he doesn't have to tell him, either. Thomas will accept it no matter what-- even though he knows it might put him in danger, if James ever wants to know his story of their time apart. It'll be all right.
aletheian: hands can mean anything!! (𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓽𝔂𝓼𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-23 07:30 am (UTC)(link)
My war.

Flowers, handkerchiefs, rings and tokens, art and old books and lovely pets; so many things lovers bring each other, gifts sent as proof of devotion. He wonders in all of human history - in all true human history - has a man come to another and laid down the skeleton of a war he fought for him. Is the blood of every murdered man, woman, and child also on Thomas's hands? Is every lie his own, too? Thomas has to take the man he loves and hold him up against the sharper picture of the ruinous things he's done, not just tuck them away under the smoothed-over sheet of well, he was a pirate, and I don't care anyway.

Because Thomas does care. He cares so damn much, enough that it's almost crippling to breathe in and truly know. The weight of being loved so much, the weight of his failure, the weight of everything done in his name.

(Do you think less of me for it?

Tonight.
)

Thomas breathes out and -

He doesn't. He doesn't think less of him. All that time, being starved and beaten, tortured and experimented on, violated, bled, brutalized, enslaved-- for every hurt done to him James took it out on the world that put him there. It's awful, it's awful, but there would be no more abuse and no more evil if everyone were dead, too.

For a long time Thomas doesn't say anything. When he moves at last it's slight, shifting just enough (so unwilling to part) to put his hand over James's heart.

What I wanted.
aletheian: (𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓽𝔂𝓼𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-23 06:37 pm (UTC)(link)
For a while Thomas looks at him, and doesn't say anything. His expression is more neutral than it was a decade ago when he would be searching for how to say something, but it's similar; James will still know it, even if only from their months together in this part of the world.

"It's-- interesting. A few things are."

He doesn't have the eloquence of those days. Maybe he's lost something irreparable, or maybe it's simply that he's out of practice. Interesting doesn't seem the be the right word (he frowns a little), but after another too-long pause he can't come up with a way to redo that, so he moves on instead.

"I can't tell the exact extent to which you think what you've done is fine, and to what extent you're miserable over it. So I don't know, precisely, what it is you think I'm aligning myself to. But I-" and here he stops, gaze slid sideways, unfocused at some point across the room. Focused inside somewhere. He shakes his head.

"I know that I am not the person you fell in love with anymore. I see it sometimes after I've said something, or not reacted to something you've done or said, and a while later I'll think, 'Oh, I've done that wrong.' I'm sure sometimes I don't notice at all, because I'm trying to think now about what that man would say to this and-- I can't picture it. I'm sorry."

Thomas is so sincere. James and Miranda loved him for how good he was, and he's sure he isn't, anymore. He thought he understood emotions and the depth of them and Bethlem taught him otherwise. He had never touched such darkness in himself, never thought it possible, and never really understood the whole human race as a result. Until then, in that dark place, when that grotesque thing peeled back the face of itself inside of him and made itself known, unable to be exorcised. Anger, and despair, and hate. God, how he hated. It had horrified him. His father's son after all.

"I don't need weeks to decide how I feel about it. I don't need to placate you, or change myself to fit something. I don't-- I don't have the capacity, right now, to maintain anything like being disturbed. I'm tired of it, James. I'm not going to force myself."

His fingers curl against the other man's. He still isn't looking at him, struggling to find the right words. His memory abandons him, refusing the timid option of selecting some poignant quotation.

"If you like, I will leave a caveat here, that if in a year's time something shifts, I reserve the right to be angry with you."
aletheian: (𝓼𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂𝓼𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-24 02:22 am (UTC)(link)
Burning down a plantation and escaping slavery isn't enough of a point?

Honestly, McGraw.

James touches him and Thomas moves so that they're both comfortable, so that he can reach out and drape his arms over his shoulders, fingers laced together behind his head. He's so beautiful when he smiles. Thomas likes this-- being so surrounded by each other, closer even inside this room. He thinks he'd have loved James still, loved Captain Flint, though surely he'd have been afraid. Wounded, probably. He wouldn't understand.

It's an awful understanding, but it's one they share. Only one or the other, he knows he would be happy James hadn't suffered; he knows James would be so relieved, for him. But in this brutal paradox, uneven suffering leaves them unable to communicate, or worse, never returning to each other.

All or nothing.

"We can't go back," he says, murmured. Not unhappy. Thomas looks in his eyes, his fingers find the nape of his neck and trace over his skin, through short hair.

"I believe that-- even if we were intolerably angry with each other, we'd still be here in this same room together. And I'd be glad of it.

Thank you. For telling me."

They're a mess. It'll be all right.
aletheian: (𝓽𝔀𝓮𝓵𝓿𝓮)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-25 04:00 am (UTC)(link)
"Nothing amiss besides my ability to estimate time today," Thomas says, giving Bettina a small smile from where he's turned to look over his shoulder. Hands still on James - having loosened his hold enough to move (after an initial moment of tension, ingrained response) but not enough to withdraw from him. Something about it touches him, though, that they all still find each other so important; that any absence is noted, no matter how brief. "Thank you for checking on us, sweetheart. Do you need help in the kitchen?"

Abigail doesn't employ servants, looking after everything herself - though haphazardly in some cases. Meals are a group effort with so many boarders, and it's the least they can do, anyway. She says she has the expendable funds for it not to be a worry, and certainly it's true, but sooner rather than later they're all going to have to decide what comes next. They cannot stay here forever. Or even for too long, he suspects.

Bettina ducks her head in a way he takes to mean they're probably going to get stuck with the washing up, and after another glance at them both, withdraws. The door clicks shut and Thomas exhales, comfortable, turning back to James and transforming that loose hold into a proper hug, cheek against his.

(Wherever they end up, they'll have to make sure the bedroom doors lock.)

"Someday I'd like to do nothing but lay in bed with you until sunset," he says, voice low and warm, "and then go out and walk and watch it, and listen to you tell me about what the stars here mean in the dark."
aletheian: (𝓼𝓲𝔁𝓽𝔂𝓯𝓸𝓾𝓻)

[personal profile] aletheian 2017-10-26 01:06 am (UTC)(link)
What a thought. Thomas hums, pleased, and presses against James's ear, brushes a soft kiss against the curve of his skull and the fuzzy hair there. Part of him wants to say, joke or not, yes, yes-- but it's the part of him that wants to stay in this room forever, cocooned away from the rest of the world and the progression of time. Unrealistic, even if they - deserve it? Do they? Does Thomas believe in that sort of thing? Does he actually want to hide forever or is it just a trembling, exhausted desire, elated with being free and being with James, frightened of what is no longer familiar?

All questions he needs to answer; he needs to learn so much about himself, now, in this new world (hah). He needs to do that, he needs to get up out of this bed and get dressed and see to the laughably light responsibilities he has in this house-- but not yet. He can spend another long minute holding James, breathing in the smell of him, soaking in the comforting weight of him in his arms, feeling the ache of near-overwhelming tenderness that he has for him. Thomas loves him so much. He thought he'd understood the depths of it in London, shocked at the intensity even then, the way it altered him. And now it's so-- it's more and it's different; he is not complete when he's with James, because people aren't made whole by others, but there's something else. Something greater than both of them that manifests because of this feeling. It is so beautiful.

Even after they're up and with the others, joining reality again, Thomas is reluctant to stray too far from James, like a magnet is drawing them to each other. The day feels strangely soft to him, fragile not for weakness but for the fine lovely details of it. Ida finds them to speak about the state of the plantation - the local excuse for a magistrate is baffled, apparently, so off-the-record Oglethorpe's domain had been, on top of how loosely organized the region is in the first place. This far away from the Carolina colony's main port, half the farming operations are wholly independent, set up at random outside anyone's purview. Which suits them fine. The only documentation of Oglethorpe's was in Charles Town with the later governor's things, and they've long been confiscated by young Lady Ashe in her investigative efforts.

It doesn't mean a survivor won't walk out of the smoke and char and point fingers, it just means that they will find no support, left adrift by the same lack of oversight that allowed the place to exist at all. The whole thing, turned to dust, only remembered by the marks on them, within them. (Thomas finds his hand drifting to his shoulder sometime after that conversation, to the brand there.)

Later, it's their turn to be tasked with preparing supper, left to their own devices in the kitchen. "It's remarkable how many positively idiotic things I remember," Thomas says, surveying the resources at hand. "Such as the fact that the one and only time in England I'd come across corn, my mother forbade me to eat it because then my hair would go dark like a Spaniard's. Now it's the only thing I know how to cook." Because of the plantation, of course; he'd never learned how to prepare much of anything in his charmed aristocratic life, and education of the sort in captivity was of course limited. He only knows what he was forced to know, through brief stints in the kitchen when injured or ill.

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