[PSL] in this sense the open jaws of wild beasts will appear no less pleasing than their prototypes


The bread that is over-baked so that it cracks and bursts asunder hath not the form desired by the baker; yet none the less it hath a beauty of its own, and is most tempting to the palate. Figs bursting in their ripeness, olives near even unto decay, have yet in their broken ripeness a distinctive beauty.

no subject
It would have been too much. Whenever he began to think of James and Miranda and the life that was taken from them, it would tear at him, and he was already trying so hard to stay fortified against-- torture, abuse, starvation. And then the twisted, sickening thought of having to be grateful for slavery. Adding grief to it, adding the wretched feeling of opening his eyes from a daydream to meet where he really was, felt like death closing its hand over his heart. Thomas has kept no mental record of things he'd like to do or projections on what he thinks society might be like. And now to think of it feels so unreal. Like one of the dreams that would take him and leave him so devastated.
James speaks of Nassau and he wants to chase that almost-smile. To what end, he doesn't know.
"Forgive me. I promise I want to be making sense." He musters up a small smile, though it's wry.
no subject
He doesn't know how he would begin to live in society again - he can see how there's an extension of that where it could be possible to not really know how to live unregimented at all. For over a decade Thomas has existed at the demand of others - plantation masters and transport ship captains and men at Bethlem who must call themselves doctors even if James imagines that's the wrong word entirely. If Thomas were to ask what they will do after this, he isn't sure he has an answer. He just--
"I wish I knew what to tell you." He means it. There should be something he can say to settle Thomas. To reassure him. "But I imagine we'll be busy for some time after quitting this place. I expect the rest will come naturally."
People are meant to be happy. There must be a way where eventually that makes itself true once everything else has been done.
no subject
And his reeling takes him to unavoidably dark places. It's just something that's a part of him, now. He knows James has his own shadowed hallways and things he sees in his mind. Thomas presses a kiss to his mouth and thinks about saying I don't care where we are or what happens, as long as I'm with you, but decides it sounds too much like he's saying this place is a tenable situation when it is most assuredly not (when he has visions of shoving a pen knife into the neck of the man who'd chained James, when he remembers what that feels like when he looks at the man who'd beaten him). The sentiment, though, is genuine.
"Do you think the girls will miss you?" --is a little teasing, but also a real inquiry after any bonds he might have formed. Has he spent enough time with them to have a solid idea about where they stand? The act of guiding him to these letters is something very significant, to be sure, but is it everyone?
no subject
But temporarily is fine.
He huffs out a low noise near Thomas's cheek. "Not at all. I've been slowing them down for days." He used to be better at mending than he is now. "But I believe they're sympathetic."
Hannah walks from the main house in the evening and sleeps in one of the slave quarters. She's allowed to do it because her mother and brother who work in the field are there and family is second to God, but also because Charlotte and Annie are at beck and call for anyone's needing water fetched or a child soothed at midnight. Hannah just cooks and scrubs and folds until they decide she's good for more. Then she won't be allowed to sleep anywhere else. Where's your father? "Home," she says and shrugs. Two days ago he had stood next to Bettina, stripping feathers from pheasants and said, "Your brother was wrong." Cleaver in hand, she parts the pheasant's head from its neck with such force that it makes the room jump.
"But I'd prefer have an agreement," he says, hand returning to Thomas's side. It's a dangerous thing to want - a risky thing to ask for when the mere idea had been enough to spook George McNair. But this doesn't work if they're all just assuming to be on the same page. "At the very least, we'll need a shared signal. I'll try and talk to one of them at midday."
no subject
"Are you well enough?" --For soon. It's a practical question. The marks on Thomas's wrists have scabbed over and his burn will either scar or it won't; bruises have begun to fade to yellow-green with purple dots in the centers. James's injuries were so much worse. A timeline is as necessary as a signal.
Amongst the noise of conversation behind them, George McNair's voice lilts over something Thomas can't quite make out. A man who feels a certain way up to where it might endanger his sister. Thomas understands him, even if he doesn't agree. Like he understood Peter's wretched insistence it was over threats against his daughter, sitting in a dark room with chains on all his limbs. Has he given thought to what Thomas told him the other day, he wonders.
(They'll find out who did it eventually. They'll know you lied, and they'll know why. It almost killed me, watching that happen to James.)
no subject
"Christ," says Ellsburg, a dull complaint among the murmur of conversation. "Can't a blanket be pinned up between us and them?
"Getting ideas, Lawrence?"
Fuck off. Fuck you. James's hand on Thomas's side goes heavier as he wills the bickering to become background noise. He grumbles against Thomas's jaw, "It's not too late to leave them."
no subject
Can't a blanket be pinned up between them. Wouldn't that be nice. Thomas sighs a little, casting away the bristle up his spine, and nuzzles until their foreheads are together. What would they even do behind such a flimsy barrier? Nothing, realistically, even though there will always be some part of him that wants to hold him and press kisses to him. It is an uncertain fantasy. One that wishes for James to paint over the touches he last experienced, for him to burn it all away and leave him new, with nothing lingering. He wants... he wants to want.
This is no place to try and heal what might make that a possibility. The thought doesn't quite solidify.
"They can find their own way to Savannah," he murmurs.
Or off a ledge, if they're going to continue to be intolerable.
no subject
It's a grimmer, more mercenary thought than should be present here while wound up in Thomas to the sounds of something that might easily seem very much like leisure - where if he closed his eyes and pretended to feel the rise and fall of the sea, he could mistake the noise for the buzz of idle crew. But he can't quite do it. Can't dismiss the constant urge to be question their readiness. Even like this, there's something foreign sitting under his skin over this place that demands to be picked, picked, picked at--
He slides his hand from Thomas's side to wrap around his shoulder, to create some narrow circle of space with the line of his arm that exists separate from the rest of the room. There he can murmur Donne to him - where can two better hemispheres be found? - until the candles are extinguished.
no subject
Fear is not something he knows how to carry, and it leaves him unsteady. Thomas doesn't remember the details of whatever he saw in his sleep, but the thought that it isn't the world's fault, just his, because he doesn't know what to do out in it.
The lazy tone of the evening without Oglethorpe carries on into the day, though they are none of them excused from work. Thomas is bitterly grateful for it, physical exertion and paying attention to who can speak where and for how long pulling him out of the strange state he'd been in. There's no room for floundering. He tries his best to keep an eye on James, and keeps a closer eye on anyone he sees watching him at midday.
Liam says hello to him again, taking advantage of the lax treatment-- but the both of them know better than to think security is lax in turn. No, it's increased, if anything, cognizant of the inevitable turn to lollygagging within. Taking him by surprise, the younger man asks him in French if there's anyone on the outside from when he 'tried before' that he knows to still be in the area.
"I'm not sure," Thomas admits, wondering about how just how plainly things are being discussed in the other quarters. Very, apparently. "The woman who headed the effort used to come in on Sundays, and she was never permitted after. What I know of her makes me think she was likely forced out of the area."
He can't imagine Ida staying and never hearing so much of a peep from outside. Unless she was hurt terribly, which is a possibility that Thomas tries not to think of. If anything happened to her, it's not like he'd be on a list of people to inform. They speak for a little longer, about nothing, though Liam watches him with a piercing kind of care that makes Thomas think he's being assessed-- does someone with this kind of spine really need two battered white men to kick anything off?
Maybe. Maybe not. If they wake up tonight and all the walls are on fire, well. Could be worse.
There's not much time left in the midday break by the time James returns from the main house, and Thomas just raises his eyebrows at him in silent communication. What a day already.
no subject
It gives him pause. Water pours into the waiting bucket. The smell of ash from the burned barn lingers still. "That's doable," he tells her.
"Good," she says, lifting the pump's handle to choke off the dribble of water. "If it isn't, other arrangements will be made."
He's nearly forgotten the twisted tight feeling in his back as he makes his way back from the main house. There's something stark and drawn in his expression, mirrored somehow there in the raised eyebrows Thomas sends his way as he closes the distance to his side. The air's thick with humidity, swimming in heat, but for a moment James finds how oppressive it is as easy to ignore. There isn't much time left to them and this isn't something to be discussed in the bunkhouse - not even in the dead of night under the low dragging breathing sounds of men sleeping.
"We've been pressed," he says when he's near enough to do so in a tone so low it has no chance of carrying in this dense, still air.
"Mister Flint - were something to be changing here, we would need assurances that the convict laborers you're with are friends. Or they will need to be removed. Put away. We thought you and Mister Thomas might see if they can be swayed by voices like their own before that. Is that possible?"
no subject
"What do they want of us?"
Thomas keeps his attention on their surroundings, for anyone approaching, for a breeze that might carry their voices. He thinks, standing there, that it might be much easier for everyone to calmly walk out of this place without opposition and without an alarm being raised, if half those inside were already dead. It's a terrible thought, and one he's not sure he should voice for fear of making it real.
no subject
"I'm under the impression it's believed you and I have more in common with them and might be able to bring them around or sort who's likely to raise the alarm." It's not a bad instinct. What did the African slaves really have in common with the convicts beyond working the same fields? The black men and women are people ripped from their homes; the white men here are almost universally capable of supposedly (or honestly) deplorable things. And if George McNair is any indication, clearly some of the convicts think it's possible to ingratiate themselves with the masters and overseers.
He touches Thomas's side, leans quietly into the shape of his hands at his shoulders; it makes for a pleasant kind of pressure, a gentle counter to the uncomfortable knot high in his back--. "Apparently we've caused enough trouble to make ourselves seem useful." To think he'd been on the verge of asking Annie (and everyone likely she knew) to join them. Just them. It seems like lunacy from this end of the matter.
A pause. James wets his lips. Frowns. "--'recently gathered?'"
no subject
Footing changes all the time. They must keep balance.
"Liam spoke with me and asked about my failed attempt," he murmurs. "He said nothing so direct, but matched with what you've said I can draw no other conclusion."
Thomas thinks about their fellow convicts and dead men. Not all of them can be trusted. Plenty of them would sell them out, especially after watching what happened to James-- a few would sell them out cheerfully, even without the looming threat of punishment, purely because of hatred and petty grudges. (Even the ones who don't care one way or the other about the evils of Greek love, even so far away from London, some men will always be bitter to see another happy.)
They'll all have to be separated. Mechanically possible, to be sure, the bunk house has different sections but-- but, but. How to herd people, how to close it off. When. It seems impossible, but he's sure it isn't. He just needs to think about it.
no subject
"Three lists then - anyone you believe to be in hand, the hopeless cases, and the ones who fall somewhere in between." Then what? Then they ply the men in the middle until they see which way they're likely to bend. The ones likely to back them will either be truly friends or fold to the pressure of numbers in the moment and aren't worth the time hand picking or risking the slow leak of information by being honest with them. The lost causes are just that.
(There's a prickling sensation in his skin that has nothing to do with aches or bruises. It's a strange, vertigo feeling - the adrenaline spark of realizing he's on an edge and the decisiveness of knowing it demands clinging to. The world narrowing to how strong his fingers are.)
no subject
It's something he understands. To feel helpless and out of control is like drowning; to accept you are where you are and to have nothing inside that space to hold onto is maddening. Thomas is not broken by it, but he's--
Experienced.
His hands shift from James's shoulders to be gentle at either side of his neck. I'm right here. He waits until he's looking at him to say anything. "I'll make the lists," he says quietly. "They're not going to move before that happens. It would be too dangerous otherwise." No matter what. Any one of them could just kick the damn locked door down, these structures are not built to last the ages. There's no way an all-out brawl between factions is a part of anyone's plan; it would be a disaster. "James. You've lived your whole life outside. Your knowledge is too valuable a currency to be gambled with."
They are not incidental. This is not mercenary. Thomas has seen the way they all look at each other. They are all real.
no subject
If it were anyone else, he'd have no desire to explain himself. But it's Thomas and it's important he understand. "I know how it sounds. But believe me. If we don't make our position clear then someone will eventually misunderstand it." That feels like the most dangerous mistake he knows. He can't do it again.
(What does he know about this territory? More than Thomas, more than anyone who's spent their life here, more than anyone whose only experience with the colonies is the slave markets and the road here. But how much that actually amount to that can possibly be useful to them in this, he's not sure. This isn't trade routes and merchant brigs dashing out from one safe harbor to flee to the next; what the fuck does he knows about the land surrounding a plantation? The towns or the wilderness beyond it?)
no subject
"I don't know what I sound like anymore."
Probably terrible.
"I only mean to ask what their position is before we demand ours, in the event they already overlap neatly."
(Come on now, away from the ledge.)
He is aware of the fact that, in his attempt not to sound so conciliatory, he's more or less doing that exact thing, but there's no way around it that he can see. It's likely a problem, but not one he can do anything about. James is right and Thomas isn't trying to dissuade him, he just seemed so damned angry for a moment, and he can't go back to work that way, he can't go confront one of their peers that way. He'll hurt himself, or they won't understand.
no subject
He isn't arguing. Thomas isn't wrong. Souring this fledgling relationship is as useful as shooting themselves in the foot. If their position aligns with that of their allies, then there will be nothing to debate. Let this partnership be as happy and easy one as possible given the extreme circumstances. But if they arrive at some disagreement, being ready to counter immediately is vital. Better to seem shockingly quick on their feet than hesitating or needing a moment to confer as disparate pieces have a habit of being shaken loose in these matters. If the women and African slaves expect a united front, then it's in their best interests to be exactly that.
(Not that they aren't. Not that they could be anything but. It's a point that doesn't need to be made. He trusts him.)
no subject
(1705, autumn; You beat men bloody over the slightest insult to Miranda or I but the things you say in your own head about what you want-- what am I to do for you, lieutenant? Who do I take a glass to in your defense if you're doing it to yourself? Would you have me do such a thing?)
He joked later, after that first night, asking James if he startled him shouting so at his father, or if it was just a relief to see him strain a little like anyone else.
(1707, winter; Thomas finally masters the art of being completely removed from himself, because so much as a flinch and they force laudanum on him, and choosing to be powerless is better than being forced. The memories, too, are less horrifying when he can piece it all together.)
"We're in agreement."
Just coming at it from odd angles, perhaps. Thomas sighs, opens his mouth to speak, and--
The bell.
"--for fuck's sake," is what comes out in a breath, ever sounding like a teakettle letting off steam whenever he swears. It's passionate, his aggravation as genuine as anything, but Thomas is always too proper for it to be audibly convincing.
no subject
Which could mean anything - that he'll make it through the afternoon of backbreaking work; that nothing is going to crumble out from under them while they aren't looking (just never stop looking); that he isn't angry and doesn't need Thomas talking to him like a spooked animal; that he won't let anyone out Thomas is a position where he's unduly compromised (not without being next to him during it) . He strokes his thumbs at Thomas's jaw, nearly kisses him but doesn't, then frees him so they might make their way back down to the work alongside each other.
There's plenty to be done. The ground is nearly dry now and demands breaking before it turns to clay so solid that anything growing there risks being strangled. They dig in matched lines, an uneasy rhythm to the rise and fall of the shovel. Metal strikes earth. Sweat drips from his nose. He works directly behind George McNair who can't look at him, but who sharpens every time James drives the shovel down again. He can't deny that he finds it satisfying: to have something that feels like a weapon in hand again even if there's only one logical direction in which to brandish it.
For the time being anyway. At this rate, tomorrow might turn all their shovels into something fundamentally different.
no subject
(Maybe it would be easier to pick up on if Thomas acted like he was afraid of being bitten, but he isn't capable. Never has been, with this particular predator.)
More at ease than he should be, Thomas makes it through the rest of the workday without incident. When the bell sounds for the final time and they begin to disperse and wrap up, he stops short after McNair passes him, an uneasy, shocked look on his face that flickers briefly into something hunted. It's not in full view of everyone-- just the overseers facing them, James if he happens to catch it, maybe a few others. Whatever McNair said is a total mystery, having been turned only to Thomas and now wandering off, oblivious to the reaction in his wake.
Said reaction is gone in an instant, and Thomas is fine again when he's at James's side, wiping down his hands and resting the damp rag on his wrist after. He says nothing, his expression schooled back into one that renders his thoughts opaque; when they pass near Marshall the overseer mutters, "What was that?"
"Mind your own business," Thomas answers easily, familiar banter.
"Fuck off, Hamilton."
"Might I speak to you later?"
Marshall grunts his assent, turns to monitor the men still putting up tools as Thomas and James continue to walk. He doesn't say anything else.
no subject
He doesn't stagger out of the tilled rows, but James does take a long moment to mop the sweat from his face with the neck of his shirt. What he wouldn't give for even the slightest breeze. This still air's fucking unnatural, he thinks. By the time he's capable of straightening the line of his shoulders again, Thomas is beside him.
Meaning the question on his mind that's most pressing as they make their way up the path is: "What do you want from him?"
Maybe another one will occur to him after - 'What did he mean?' or some variation on a similar theme. In this immediate moment, he concentrates on the distance between where they are now and a place he can reasonably expect to sit down.
no subject
"I want him to do what I tell him," he says after a while.
McNair didn't say anything. Of course he didn't. But it'll be good for Marshall to think he did, because for whatever reason, Marshall seems to like Thomas well enough, and carries a measure of guilt over what happened to he and James over the fire. He'd been nervous; We know you didn't do it, and honestly, we know he didn't neither, but it looks like what it looks like-- and Thomas isn't stupid, they can use that. James hasn't been here long enough, he doesn't have the same sway that comes with history, though Thomas suspects he'd be infinitely better at convincing him if he had. For all his work in politics, Thomas has never gotten the hang of dishonesty or manipulation. All his coaxing was ever done with the scandalous allure of the truth.
Very quietly, "Three years ago there was a problem with how certain men were getting on, and they re-sorted sleeping assignments. If he thinks we're being harassed by the man who sold you out, who Marshall knows was lying, I think I can get him to put men where I want him to."
no subject
James huffs out a low breath and speaks equally low, a murmur that hardly clears the crunch of small stones under the feet: "That works." There's a curl of warmth in it that sounds more like 'Smart man,' a broad stitch of fondness. "If I were to press McNair, his friends might come crawling. Two birds."
It'd be a succinct way of starting their list of lost causes - give Marshall something else to chalk down and anyone with their eyes peeled for the African slaves a concrete sense that the two of them were taking the task they'd been given seriously. He can't imagine it will be difficult; McNair's already twitching with the urge to be spoken to. The only challenge is finding something to say to him that won't make Bettina angry when it works its way to her ear.
(That too is more flexible than it would seem, he thinks. He isn't sure sensible is an apt description for the woman, but reasonable? Certainly. And she must be fully aware of where her brother stands already. She must have known what she was committing him to when it was decided who was to sway the convict laborers.)
no subject
Thomas has been softly pushing him into a corner. He'll have to make a decision-- throw himself on the sword or let it fall on Bettina, or remove them both from the situation entirely. Maybe he's too soft-hearted, giving him a chance, but then again, maybe he would find vicious satisfaction in the man letting himself be punished over it in her stead, because it was his word that set them on James.
He would feel guilty. Probably. Hopefully.
(Scandalous allure of the truth.)
"What degree of moral responsibility is there?" He asks after they've gone a few more paces. "Do we count among our number men who I know would follow us if the reason they're here is something like preying on children?"
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)